30 Years - It's Not Such A Long Time

At St. Joseph's Hospital in Orange, California on the 8th June, 2004 Geoffrey John Loe was born; 30 years ago, while it seems like only yesterday.

My mother had come to California from Texas to help out after Geoff's birth, arriving a couple of days before his due date.  As is quite often the case, just because we were all ready for him didn't mean he was ready for us.  If memory serves me correctly, Grandma Texas (as she came to be known) had almost exhausted her 2 week vacation from work before Geoff graced us with his appearance. I think Grandma was able to extend the time off for a few extra days while we settled in with our bundle of joy. Having raised 7 children herself, Grandma Texas was a great help those first few days.  Geoff wasn't the easiest child, he wasn't the most difficult; but his personality as a caring, sweet person that loved to make others laugh developed very early in his infancy and his love of music was also very apparent from those very first days.

Bruce Springsteen was just hitting his stride when Geoff was but 2 years old.  One of my favorite memories of my son was of him performing a spot-on rendition of "Born in the USA" on the staircase of a townhouse with snow falling outdoors at Lake Tahoe in front of family and friends, complete with a guitar made of plastic.

He loved his mother.  He loved his sister, Melissa, very much.  He tolerated the hair pulling and poking and pinching right along with the loss of attention that comes with a younger sibling and he loved his half-sisters and cousins and his friends and co-workers; and they all loved him.

Grandma Texas had her 83rd birthday this year.  She's getting on a plane in August to come to visit us in California.

Melissa is getting married in March, 2015 to a wonderful man of whom Geoff would highly approve, no doubt.

My vision of how I would have been celebrating Geoff's 30th birthday when he was just a young boy would have been on a golf course or at some sporting event.  He maybe would have preferred an art gallery or a concert.  I'll never know.

Sometimes I see a hummingbird or a butterfly or a rainbow and I think, somehow, Geoff is trying to tell me something, sending me a sign or just keeping an eye on me.  I can't know and I don't - I just hope if it is him he never stops.  I'll never stop hoping and I will never understand.

It's been my ritual, a pleasant one at that.  On the anniversary of each of my children's birth as well as the birth-dates of my grandchildren I've done my best to sing the Happy Birthday song to them over the telephone - if not in person.  I have no idea if they look forward to the message as much as I but doing so takes some amount of planning on my part.  With family in Australia and California, time zones, work and school schedules and the occasional vacations and holidays there can be obstacles to getting the message delivered in a timely manner.  I'm proud to say I have had great success delivering the message more often than not.

About right now I should be doing the calculating to try to figure out the best time to phone Geoff on the 8th of June, to deliver the celebratory tune in a way that would embarrass and please him, simultaneously.  I only wish he was there to pick up the phone.

Happy Birthday, Son!

Twenty Nine

Another anniversary of sorts.  6 October, 2013; it's 3 years since Geoff died. And, again, I get reminded of the numerology associated with this date on the calendar each time it comes around: the 6th day of the 10th month of the 13th year of the century. 6+10+13=29.  Geoff would have been 29 years of age if he was alive today.  It will happen this way every year as long as I live.  Not that I would ever forget or need to be reminded.

It never has seemed appropriate that we would refer to this date as an "anniversary". It's always seemed to me that an anniversary connotes something happy to remember and I have struggled to come up with a better label for this day than an anniversary.  I decided to do some research and discovered that the word anniversary can be used to mean a day to celebrate or commemorate a past event that occurred on this date. OK - I can live with commemorate.  I can live with anniversary, then.  It's much harder living without my son.

Those that know me know that I will post a link to this epistle on Geoff's Facebook page. You can imagine my shock and sadness when I discovered a few weeks ago that Geoff's Facebook page had disappeared, vanished into the ether.  I only have a few ways that I can spend time with the remnants of Geoff's life and that Facebook page was a precious one.  We were able to get it back and could never learn the why of its disappearance but the fact that it did was just another reminder for those of us that love and cherish his memory of just how fragile those threads are that remain.

This year also saw the finality of the inquiry into the why about Geoff's death from Lymphoma.  An independent Medical Advisor commissioned by the Healthcare Commission of New South Wales reached the conclusion that Geoff's care "did not deviate from an appropriate standard", that "Lymphomas apparently can have extremely unpredictable paths and can appear quiescent for years and recur or new different histological lymphomas can develop in susceptible individuals. This is what appears to have transpired with Mr Loe".  I don't have to agree.  I don't.  I still wonder "What If?".

Last year my father, Geoff's Grandfather, was sick when I wrote on the 2nd anniversary.  He died a few weeks later.  While its sad and we miss him very much I can understand the chain of events that lead to his death at the age of 81. I was also able to witness the effort made by my dad's doctors and discuss the inevitability of his diagnosis.  It helps in the understanding. It helps with the acceptance.

Intellectually I can accept the progression of the lymphoma that took Geoff's life.  I know what it does.  I know, clinically, what happened.  What I don't know are the answers to the questions "Why?" or "What If?" .  I don't know if I ever will.

2 Years

Dear Geoff:

It hardly seems real that 2 years have passed since a telephone call notified me that all our lives had been changed forever.  I know, now, that you were already gone while I scrambled as best I could to be by your side from 8,000 miles away.  My heart aches to see you one more time; to speak with you on the telephone; to trade sarcastic remarks in an email; to tell you that I love you.  I've learned the difficult lesson of not really understanding what one has until it's gone by the most difficult method possible. But, you probably know that.

I've read and re-read the autopsy report and lots of other medical records a hundred times.  Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma, the same cancer that I battled in 1998, is what they say killed you.  Father and son with the same disease but a different outcome.  It's hard not to believe a genetic link exists although there is no evidence of any other familial tie for us and while intellectually I cannot feel responsible, the possibility still nags at me.  But, you probably know that.

Your mother and I have begged for additional information and explanations as to the why, how and what ifs.  I've taught myself more about cancer than I ever wanted to know.  We've lodged complaints and begged the bureaucracies for attention but as yet the best we have been able to wrest from the clutches of the responsible are some weak apologies and self-serving rationalizations for the misdiagnosis and lack of treatment.  It makes us insane to think while cancer was ravaging your body trained clinicians thought wrongly you were suffering from glandular fever, mononeucleosis, a virus - whatever.   But, you probably know that.


Dad, Melissa and Geoff - 2009

Daily, I re-walk the steps of my life that lead to that fateful day all the while agonizing over the ways I may have failed you as a father while also appreciating the sparks of sameness in our makeup.  Regret is a progressive illness for which there is no known cure.  While I try to funnel that useless energy into whatever positive direction I can, the sense of opportunities gone for shared experiences can be overwhelming at times.  That eerie sound of God laughing at men who make plans rings constantly in my subconscious.  But, you probably know that.

As I try to gain a greater understanding of the parts of you with which I was unfamiliar in an attempt to fill the void of a relationship separated by too many miles you'll be amused to know I have developed a passion for remixes and mashups with Kaskade currently my favorite DJ; after you, of course.  I can also claim a certain affinity for impressionistic art, perhaps in atonement for a previous sin committed at the expense of one you dearly love.  But, you probably know that.


Geoff and Jo

I can't walk through a supermarket without examining the packaging and wonder to myself how you would have improved the design.  And, I laughed when I heard that Zlata recently moved the graphic art studio to Kogarah knowing you would have been thrilled to forgo the daily commute to North Sydney but also understanding that your failure to support the train system would have also meant a dearth of material for tweeting.  I am still touched by how much the folks at Zlata's company loved you and cared about you.  But, you probably know that.

I try to keep a watchful eye over your friends; at least the ones I can with Facebook and text messages.  They all seem to be doing well; Michela, Jenn, Mandy, Egg. Scott, Rob and of course, Jo Jo come to mind along with your BJJ mates at Gracie Oceania.  They all love you as I know you loved them.  I'll see an occasional shout-out in your direction where for whatever reason something happens that reminds them of you and its always something good, or funny, or sweet.  But, you probably know that.

Your sisters are doing well.  Melissa is thriving in her position with Aussie Pork and living the good life in Canberra (We never thought she'd last a year there, did we?)  Carri and Candi are as busy as ever with their work and managing the activities of your brothers in law, nieces and nephews.  Your newest nephew, Thomas James, has just taken his first steps in the last month and your cousin Ally has a new special treat of her own:  a little girl named Kiley born in May of this year.  But, you probably know that.


Geoff and his Grandpa Texas

Grandpa Texas is home after 5 weeks in the hospital.  He's had plenty of health challenges and is now under hospice care.  Grandma, Mary Kay, Barbara, David and Bob are all doing their best to look after him which as you well know can be quite a job!  If you remember I scattered some of your cremains under the oak trees at the back of their home in the Texas Hill Country.  It makes me feel like you are there too, watching over them.  I took another measure of your cremains to the top of Diamond Head Crater in Waikiki Beach in August and let them fly in the trade winds toward the Pacific Ocean and then visited the spot in the ocean where I deposited a good amount in Maui last year.  The sailboat is still moored there:  Gemini.  But, you probably know that.

In an attempt to Fight Back, I've gotten myself deeply involved in a program of the American Cancer Society called Relay for Life.  It's a 24 hour team relay event that has raised Billions for cancer research and programs since it was started by one lone physician in 1985 with a passion to do whatever he could to help eradicate cancer .  I signed up to be a Team Captain once I learned that the event was to be held on 6 October; I reckoned it was a message from you, my son.  We will raise some money and learn more about cancer while educating others but mostly we'll spend some time living the message: to Celebrate, to Remember, to Fight Back on your behalf and others that must be remembered and supported.  Carri, Candi, Sydney, Emily, Mitzi and Katie will all be walking with me at the event to Celebrate your life; to Remember what a special person you are; to Fight Back against this cowardly assassin we call cancer.  Lots of other family and friends have supported us in this effort too.  But, you probably know that.

And, an irrefutable truth that lies in the numerology of this 2nd and every anniversary of your death still amazes me.  The date this year:  the 6th day of the 10th month of the 12th year of the millenium. 6+10+12 = 28.  That's your age today as it will be every year on this date for the next 988 years.  But, you probably know that.

Happy Birthday, Son

I can’t help but wonder what my son would have been doing on this day.  What project he would have been working on for his employer; where would he have been living?  Would he be already married to the love of his life?  Maybe bought his own home or at least a car?  Would he be planning a long-awaited holiday or he might even be on one, celebrating this anniversary?  No doubt he would have been surrounded by people that loved him because it seems to me like everyone did.  Even if he was just on the train to North Sydney poking fun at the other commuters on his twitter account he’d be looking forward to getting together with his friends or family after work for a drink.

My oldest daughter sent me an email asking if it’s weird to feel thankful for the pain.  And that made me think.  It made ME think that the pain will never go away; nor should it.  I think the pain, that ache in my heart and the feeling in the pit of my stomach that signals for either tears to start streaming from my eyeballs or the need to swallow hard, multiple times, is a deep and growing understanding of that which we once had and now we have no longer.  It’s the feeling of regret, of opportunities wasted, of potential unfulfilled, of a life with so much promise that was not fully lived.  The pain reminds us to pay attention and appreciate those things in our existence that are truly important.  For that reminder, I am thankful.

I’m uplifted by the continual and heartfelt communication from Geoff's friends, by the periodic postings on his Facebook page that only continues to exist to help all of us that are left behind to cope, to have somewhere to go when we are missing him to tell him what we are thinking, all the while wondering if there is any possibility he could know, while hoping there is.

Geoffrey would have been 28 years of age today.  I can’t phone him to sing Happy Birthday.  It doesn’t seem fair, but what about life does?

One Year

6 October, 2011 was 365 Days since that fateful day; One year exactly.  I mentally checked off calendar squares leading up to this date wondering what was in store.  As every step of this journey has been, even the anniversary of Geoff's death is confusing.  What is today in California is tomorrow in Australia. Yesterday in Sydney is my today.  There was no confusion, however, when my smartphone told me it was 5:30 p.m. Wednesday afternoon Pacific Standard Time, that it was exactly one year since "The Call".

It's all fresh in my mind, still, I took the opportunity to revisit the details of those next devastating hours, days and weeks of a year gone by reading my own blog entries.  I listened to the haunting music that was played at Geoff's service at Our Lady of Fatima in Kingsgrove.  I poured over my mementos of Geoff (and my other children).  I laughed with tears in my eyes at some of the silly things I've kept among my treasures while happy to have what I do and wishing I had more.  I watched the slide presentation played at his wake.  I viewed the DVD that compiles years of bad videography by Dad but in many places includes the unmistakable voice of my son that accompanies his precious image.  I spoke with Robin and Melissa.  I received and responded to a text from Joanne.  Other important people in my life signaled their support in the various ways our electronic age allows.

I miss Geoff more than words can describe. I imagine him present when my intellectually knowing tells me he is not.  I can't help myself from wondering what might have been.  My instincts tell me Geoff would have been just as good a husband and father as he was a son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend.  I'll never know and yet somehow I do.

Reflecting on those hazy days of a year gone by a few things stick in the forefront of my conscious mind:

Geoff's body lying in The Tazmanian Blackwood Timber Coffin at the WN Bull funeral home;  cold, expressionless, unreal, diminutive, staged, empty.

My favorite memory of Geoff as an adult standing in the doorway of the guestroom at the Four Points Darling Harbour;  happy, loving, expectant, carefree, handsome.

Geoff perched with a toy guitar on the staircase at the Lake Tahoe ski resort in California at perhaps 2 1/2 years of age singing "Born in the U.S.A." (yes, he was).

The strength, courage and kindness of everyone:  family, friend, vendor, acquaintance during those dark days and the time since.  Some of Geoffrey's closest friends put together a heartwarming memorial in the form of a booklet with photos of happy times and personal letters about their relationships.  I was provided a copy by one of his good friends right about the time I was recovering from my surgery for tongue cancer in January. In every epistle the message was clear:  Geoffrey had positively impacted their lives in some meaningful way.  Typically, his mantra of positivity in all things left an indelible mark on their psyches combined with his love of art, music and food.  In every case his friends chose to dwell on that which they will always have rather than the things they had no longer.  It's a lesson I have been studying since.

Certain things that take place in my life are indicative of his spiritual presence.  The most recent manifestation is a card I purchased for my daughter, Melissa, commemorating this anniversary.  I chose this particular card from the hundreds available in the stationery store because of the beautiful ocean wave sculpture (albeit mass-produced) made of paper that frankly reminded me of Geoff and Melissa's love of the ocean and I told her so in the handwritten message.  When Melissa received the card at her home in Canberra, ACT, Australia she sent me a text:  "I just got home to your card in the mail box.  The way those waves are drawn comes from a Japanese style of art.  I had to recreate them for an art project in high school and Geoff helped me get the "swirls" right.  Could never draw like he could explain!  He's with us all the time."  I never saw the drawing or heard the story before Melissa's text message.

One final awareness that struck me as I wrote the first few words of this entry. Wanting to believe there is a message in the numerology of the date of Geoffrey's passing I struggle to understand the message while knowing it exists:  6 October, 2010 is the 6th day of the 10th month of the 10th year of the millennium. 6+10+10=26. Geoffrey's age when he died was 26 and every year after for the next 90 years that calendar date will equal his age using the same formula.

Kaanapali Maui

It's nearly a year since Geoffrey left us so suddenly and without warning; doesn't seem possible.  The chaos of my daily life continues against a background of remorse.  All those things I should have done or didn't do while he was with us haven't faded in my consciousness but at times seem to be screaming for attention. I know enough about cancer and Lymphoma to question to the point of distraction "Why" - Why weren't additional tests done as followup to his care for Hodgkin Disease?  Why didn't Geoff let the paramedics take him to hospital when they visited the house a few days before he died?  Why did the doctors jump to the conclusion he was suffering from Mononucleosis (Glandular Fever) in the face of his known history?  In my 59th year I am fully aware that there is no answer to the questions that begin with Why; only justifications.

When Geoff was barely a year old Robin and I met up with her sister, Maggie, in Maui.  We stayed in a unit right on Kaanapali Beach in a condo development named "Kaanapali Alii".  We all had a wonderful time and indulged Geoff in his love of water with days spent in the swimming pool and the ocean.  At times I've wondered if Geoff must have been born with set of gills as he loved so much being in the water .  Some of my fondest memories are of him at various stages of his life wading, swimming (for fun and competitively), body surfing, boogie boarding, water skiing or just walking along the beach. 

During this particular trip I remember vividly a bright, sunny morning we spent at the condo's beachfront pool. Geoff spent as much time in the water as we allowed between our constant admonishments of "Don't drink the water" because that's what he seemed compelled to do.   At the point where it was apparent he was nearly exhausted we decided to freshen up and head over to a Mexican restaurant (no longer in existence) in the nearby Whaler's Village, only a few steps from the condominium property.  Once we ordered our drinks and lunch the waiter presented the mandatory basket of tortilla chips and salsa.  Geoff (like most toddlers) loved the crisp and salty chips and made a habit of inserting them into his mouth like a factory worker on an assembly line; left, right, left, right, between parental instructions demanding a reduction in the speed at which he was consuming the appetizer.  Fellow diners would nod our way their approval of our way too cute son as they passed by our table or glanced in our direction from seats nearby.

As Robin, Maggie and I continued our conversation and sipped on our drinks the waiter appeared with our various orders and started distributing the meals to the appropriate diners.  Just as he deposited the last of the burritos, tostados and enchiladas on our table my son, Geoffrey John Loe, projected the entire chlorinated contents of his stomach in a dispersion pattern of 270 degrees directly over the just served food.

Amidst the chaos and cacophony that followed we gathered up our son, paid our bill and stumbled the few steps back to the condo in unbridled, hysterical laughter;  Although too young to accurately articulate his thoughts, the look on Geoff's face told us he was feeling much better now that he had ejected the pool water we previously suspected he was ingesting.  We put him down for a nap and most likely fixed ourselves peanut butter sandwiches in lieu of the Mexican feast that had now gone to waste.

I've been back to that beach in Maui numerous times since that trip 26 years ago and have walked by that property, pool and beach many, many times always with thoughts of Geoff in mind.  Mitzi and I were there in mid-September.  While packing for the trip I made sure I had a good portion of Geoff's cremains that are still in my possession with the intent of returning the physical manifestation of the vessel that held what was Geoff to the ocean in front of that property, pool and beach. 

On a bright, sunny morning I entered the water directly in front of the Kaanapali Alii condominium complex with my waterproof bag and its precious contents after gazing for some time at the calm ocean and the islands of Lanai and Molokai on the horizon.  I then swam 100 yards or so offshore and tread water while I distributed the volume of the bag in the ocean, returning this vestige of my son to an environment he loved so much.  Once I had determined that the bag was empty and completely rinsed clean I floated on my back for some period of time while observing the tropical clouds in an otherwise crystal clear sky, consumed by my thoughts of Geoff.  As I began my swim back to the beach I caught the outline of a sailboat in my periphery that was moored offshore near where I was swimming.  As I turned to get a better look the name of the vessel stared directly at me:  GEMINI.  Geoff's birthday is June 8.

Baby Smells and 9/11

Mitzi and I welcomed our 5th grandchild into the world on the 10th of July this year.  Thomas James Powell, the first offspring of Mitzi's son Tom and his wife Carrie, arrived with a handsome face, a roaring appetite and the biggest hands and feet I've ever seen on a baby.  Each of these attributes will no doubt serve him well.  As young Tommy completes his second month on this side of his mother's womb he has already successfully wrapped his paternal grandmother around his substantial finger.  Although Tom and Carrie live in Irvine, a couple of hours away, Mitzi has made a number of pilgrimages to spend time with the youngest Powell as often as she has been able.  Mitzi's love of her grandchildren that are progeny of my daughters, Carri and Candi is without doubt, but this is her first opportunity to bond with a "blood" grandchild.  "I can't believe how long the baby smell stays with me" she reconnoiters long after she has last spent time with young Tommy proving olfactory sensory theories that have long been proffered.  Its amazing to think what incredible things our brains do to preserve that which we hold dear.

The CBS television network ran a documentary on this the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attack on New York's World Trade Center and the Pentagon.  The film had originally been commissioned as a simple observation of the matriculation of one probationary fireman that joined the FDNY just prior to the senseless attack but following the law of unintended consequences became the only window most of us had to what exactly transpired inside the massive World Trade Center Towers that came crashing to earth that day along with our national sense of well being.  The incredible devastation and loss of life is indisputable.  The continuing negative impact on all our lives is not in question.  The ongoing collateral damage to those closest to Ground Zero is becoming clearer and clearer every day; psychological and physiological wounds fester and multiply even after 10 years have passed.  The loss of innocence and sense of security radiates throughout the free world.  The hauntingly beautiful memorial that has been erected in place of the footprint of those iconic structures that came tumbling down on that infamous day calls to all of us to visit, and pay our respects.

The incongruity of the thought of Mitzi and her attachment to the baby smell and the haunting memories of those closest to Ground Zero stimulates my own ever present conscious thoughts about the death of my son, Geoffrey, gone now nearly a year.  Can I remember the sweet smell of his presence when he was just a baby?  I think I can.  I can certainly hear him laugh; watch him run the bases on the baseball diamond; dance shamelessly without clothing in the backyard faucet on a hot summers day; stand in the doorway of the Four Points at Darling Harbour anticipating our embrace; hammer away relentlessly at whatever villain he was defeating on his Nintendo; pridefully order from the menu at his favorite Thai restaurant to make sure those closest to him shared his passion for ethnic foods.  Can't I?

Next to my bedside stands at attention a large green candle from the service we held in celebration of Geoff's life at Our Lady of Fatima Church in Kingsgrove, New South Wales on Wednesday, October 13, 2010.  Draped around the candle in a red velveteen bag is a lock of Geoff's hair.  I can't bring myself to open the bag to validate that, in fact, the mostly protein relic is still in tack but my heart tells me that if I did open the bag, the beautiful scent of my son would wash over me like the sweet essence of a newborn child.  Dare I?